Most of us, at one time or another, will feel hurt or let down as a result of our friend’s words or actions.
Perhaps our throwaway, instant gratification-obsessed society has us believing it should always be natural and easy, and if you don’t always intuitively understand each other (this appears to be the pervasive attitude regarding romantic relationships), there’s something wrong. But when difficulties arise from our friends not knowing what we expect and vice versa, it’s worth remembering that our friends aren’t our identical twins, and knowing exactly what they’re thinking each and every moment would probably verge on the supernatural. A lot of the time relationships of any kind are not always straightforward and thus require a bit of work, but that’s not to say they should be abandoned… cliché as it may be, sometimes the important things don’t come easy. We know the rudiments of being a good friend: have their best interests at heart, be trustworthy, ‘be there’. But beyond those, given the huge diversity among human beings, is the fundamental but also ever-changing nature of friendship actually too complicated and nuanced to navigate and understand for us to rigidly adhere to one-size-fits-all ideas? As many people as there are, there are just as many contexts and dynamics in which friendships form and blossom, but also indeed change for better or worse. I think once we start to understand this, we start to empathise with our friends, and from this can come the patience required to maintain the relationship, nurture it, and ultimately sustain it.
It’s sad to think how many friendships must have been neglected or discarded when a different approach, stepping outside of oneself, would have probably benefited the situation hugely.
So what tactics should we consider? I’d say a willingness to go the extra mile with your communication is of paramount importance – clearly stating things that may seem obvious to you because you’re you, but that may not even factor in the other person’s thought process, because well, they’re not you. For example, if you feel your friend is forcing unsolicited advice on you when all you want is a sounding board, tell them what you’d rather not hear it right now, but at some point you may want to and when the time comes you’ll articulate it. That’s unlikely to offend them. This process requires a level of patience that doesn’t necessarily come naturally at first, but should start to feel easier over time. It might help you realise the sticking point was merely a misunderstanding or one person being stubborn towards the other, rather than one person ‘wronging’ the other and in so being a ‘bad’ friend. A lot of this is about maturity and empathy towards others, even if in the moment you feel they don’t deserve it. You sometimes have to just swallow your pride and put yourself in your friend’s shoes. You also have to learn not to sweat the small stuff. As dark as this may sound, imagine that person suddenly ceasing to exist. Do you feel devastated, panicky, lonely? If so, that’s probably a sign that the love and respect you have for them is greater than any negative emotions you may be feeling when the friendship has found itself in a rut.
Don’t get me wrong, some friendships are, and will always be, dead in the water. Sometimes the ties that bind us to someone at a particular moment in time come loose as we or our circumstances change, and in turn we lose that connection. Forcing interactions with that kind of friend out of a misguided sense of loyalty is usually pointless, so it must be made clear that I’m not suggesting all friendships must be preserved at all costs. Friends are supposed to add to your life, to bring support, excitement, comfort, opportunities, all sorts of things – they’re not supposed to detract from it or weigh it down.
And if you’re making a conscious effort to employ excellent communication and patience and your friend doesn’t seem to be doing the same in return, maybe it’s time to take a step back. Not cut them out entirely, but evaluate how enmeshed you really want to be in each other’s lives. Because in that scenario you’ve done everything you could do, and despite this they’re not willing to meet you half way; you’re not being afforded the level of respect given to them.
As trivial as this might sound, it’s 2023, so it’s not slipping by without a mention. Yield the power of patience the most when you are interacting via text. The number of times I’ve been irritated by something a friend has said all because the words on the screen portrayed no discernible tone and I misinterpreted them is a little embarrassing. Just say the words out loud – half the time you’ll realise there’s nothing wrong. And sometimes, if you’re engaging in a long, in depth exchange, they might be referring to something you don’t have the context for, like responding to something you said and you don’t catch on because it’s nine messages above and they were scrambling to catch up. You might also want to save the deeper or more complex conversations for in-person situations.
I did some digging online and stumbled across some exercises for improving patience. Perhaps they’ll sound patronizing or silly, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work:
Make yourself wait for things. You might want that coffee immediately, but will you end up burning your tongue? Are there other tasks that need completing first? Maybe treat it as a reward for completing your tasks.
Reassess your daily routine. What things are you holding on to that you don’t actually need that are causing you to feel unnecessary impatience?
Relax and take deep breaths. It’s a tip as old as time, but in practise it can make a difference. It can help calm both the body and the mind and see things in a new light once the stress has worn off.
When our friendships feel threatened or start to disintegrate, which is so often due to a friend not meeting our expectations, it can almost feel like the world is ending. And it makes sense. Your safety blanket is being pulled out from under you and, because you haven’t recognised why it’s happening and in turn utilised the tools described to treat the problem, you can’t grow and move past it. When you feel a soulful bond with someone, when they make you feel truly understood, you potentially envisage them being a part of your life forever. And they often are, while romantic relationships – despite our partners promising us the world – so often come and go. For many of us, our friends are the true ‘loves’ of our lives. So let’s not let unnecessary resentment build up to the point where, perhaps, there is no going back. Let’s try to nip what are actually fairly minor issues in the bud, before we start to harbour obstructive, negative emotions to our loved ones. Trust me, life is too short and too damn hard for that, and you’ll want each other around when the going gets tough.
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